A memoir of a self-centred mind on a journey to selflessness. 

Old habits hold tight to this conscious – a previously deadly eating disorder trying to re-circle its way into current existence along with a depression-filled worthless feeling- spurred mainly from the feeling of failure. The perceived failure of three years having passed and still having an Egoic mind with strong Inner-voice and a past history that manages flashbacks to occur. How am I still here? How am I still trapped inside such beginner mind – so self-centred that most days recently I have barely been present while my Loving partner selflessly saves the world in and from every direction possible. In my self-destructive thought processes I have imagined that I must be missing some intrinsic component – deliberated over whether I am simply not smart enough or whether the head-trauma I inflicted on myself in younger years might be to blame. But although I am self-centred currently – I am not completely selfish – I truly believe that every human has the ability to take these steps and progress on this journey of healing and ipso-facto It must also be possible for me. I have wondered whether I have placed a subconscious block upon myself – to trap me at such a level that I may somehow be of more use to others – almost as a go-between for those at the beginning of this path who may not yet even be aware of it and for those who have already surpassed me – a translator of sorts. Something I would not have any qualms with if I truly believed that a person such as I described were needed – the truth is that as one progresses along this path – they have more clarity and power of understanding with which to help others, by definition, negating any need for such a role as a “translator”. So why have I been stuck at this level – being able to perceive the steps ahead but seemingly unable to place a foot forward?